The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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