John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
