GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
