I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
