you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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