It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
