I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
