If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
