he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
are you so shy because you have an std?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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