so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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