I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
