When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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