The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she told me i tasted like america
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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