Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
