He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
