i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
