Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
