I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no