I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave