Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.