His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
