I want to stick my p in your. b.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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