he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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