im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
