you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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