The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
