I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
nutella sex= disaster
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
