I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
