Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
