my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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