you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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