I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
