At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
