you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
