True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
