i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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