I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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