I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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