she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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