I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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