i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
my liver is dry heaving
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
