I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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