She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
