I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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