So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
A bitchslap is in order.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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