His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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