I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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