Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
