I wanna passion pit in your ass
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
