It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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