i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
