When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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