I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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