i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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