He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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