he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
