If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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